June 9, 2021
By Samantha May
Staff Writer
One of the best feelings in the world is falling asleep inside a cold room. One of the worst feelings in the world is forcing yourself to wake up in the same cold room. This causes me to face a dilemma every night: Do I choose to leave my air conditioner on or off?
To indulge in the former, I would be putting myself at risk of missing my first block due to the pain of leaving my warm, safe bed. To force myself to do the latter, I would put myself through the agony of tossing and turning just so I can be responsible the next day. Most days, I debate whether that responsibility is worth choosing over my own comfort.
Like all of us, my virtual school days run from 8:05 a.m. to 12:45 p.m. on every weekday except Wednesdays, when the day ends at 2:45 p.m. Each weekday, I am reminded how much power school has over me and my future, and my resentment grows for every class and all of the assignments that drive me towards exhaustion. And yet, I have a reputation to uphold, and I will work to keep it no matter what. I define myself by the numbers that appear in my student portal and the expectations set by the teachers who believe in me.
Virtual learning has caused me to detach myself from reality. It’s gotten harder to maintain relationships over social media, and most conversations with friends strain me. The hours I spend working toward success cause me to lose all of my energy by the end of the school day, and I make up for that lost time by procrastinating. This generally takes place at night when I delay going to sleep for the sake of doing what I want. This is a habit known as revenge bedtime procrastination, which is outlined in Theresa DiDonato’s “Up Late for No Reason? Sounds like Revenge Procrastination ….” published in Psychology Today. The author is referring to people like me who are aware of their need and desire for sleep but choose to stay awake anyway.
Whether that’s staying up on Discord calls, playing video games or binging shows, I make up for lost time by wasting it at my own will. When my time is up, I become a prisoner of upcoming due dates once again. Projects proceed to take the wheel and take over my free time, intercepting my mental health and the plans I attempt to make with friends.
I’m surprised I have the physical strength to push through the pain of sleepiness. I fear one day my heart won’t be able to keep up, though that fear isn’t urgent enough to stop me. The more I find myself lost in the cycle of school, the more I need distractions. In these distractions, anxiety and guilt begin to overwhelm me, and I become paralyzed by whatever mindless task I’m doing in order to push those thoughts away. I know at the end of the day, my fear of failure will restore my schedule back to normal (at least my version of it). It’s not like my teachers mind the 3 a.m. submissions or weariness in my eyes. As long as my work is done, they’ve got nothing to lose. Perhaps I resent them for it as much as I’d kill to be in their place.
I define myself by the numbers that appear in my student portal and the expectations set by the teachers who believe in me.
Then again, I’m on TikTok during class. I play music in the background. I lack the ability to focus. I’m lazy. The workload is unbearable and cruel, but maybe it’s my fault for viewing the same edits of attractive fictional characters on my phone instead of listening to a lecture about the Green Revolution in fifth period Advanced Placement Human Geography. Perhaps I’m to blame for taking a minute to breathe instead of doing my work in the given class time.
For years, I’ve blamed myself. For years, I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Why do I become frozen with laziness? Why do I have a horrible attention span? Regardless, I have deadlines to meet and a lack of therapy now is sure to screw me over in my adult years. I can’t afford to complain.
But I don’t want to choose between turning on my air conditioner at night or leaving it off for me to suffer in my own sweat. I want to wake up at a normal temperature, neither cold nor hot. I want that happy medium. Realizing what I want has made me understand where my goals truly stand. Maybe I have no clue what I’m doing with school or what I will be in the future. Maybe I’m not sure how much my body or mind can tolerate my unhealthy habits.
What I do know is that I want to be happy. It’s easier said than done, but I’ve made it this far. I’ve done the impossible of keeping up my grades while maintaining some friendships. Progress and success are not supposed to be linear. While my progress is messy right now, I’m only 16 years old. It’s going to get a lot harder and, at the same time, a lot easier from here.
If something is going on with me mentally, I’ll find out. If I can reach out and find the root that ties me to this vicious cycle, I can rip it out. My focus shouldn’t be to fix myself. It should be to get to know myself. I need to make that my priority.
As much as school takes over my life and as much as my life begs me to leave schoolwork in the dust, I am not alone in this type of battle. I have friends and I have family, and I need to learn to trust that we are in this together. Right now, I’m leaving my air conditioner on for me to deal with the following morning. However, this time, I have a warm hoodie enveloping me to make the process of waking up easier. It isn’t the best option, but it’s what I’ve got until I find that breezy window one day that creates the perfect room temperature.
